Surprises

6 days till C-day. I realized today that I have passed the point where I would definitely consider a VBAC. If I went into labor tomorrow it would be one week early which is exactly when I had Saben and he was big enough to sort of freak me out.

I also realized today, as I started to imagine not going into labor at all but just showing up for my appointment next Wednesday, that going into labor is the one thing I had really hoped to do. Even if I ended up choosing a c-section once I went into labor, there is something about the unpredictability, surprise and excitement of spontaneous labor that I love, getting to call Kyle and tell him, feeling those initial contractions, heading off for the hospital....And something about just showing up to get cut open that really freaks me out.

Obviously there are still 6 days for labor to happen, but I think I had been positive it would happen because Saben was so early. Of course I also assumed Saben would be late and was quite wrong, so it would make sense that if I assume she's going to be early that she won't be.

Funny thing is that all this was sort of depressing me today and now that I wrote it all down I think it might be ok after all. There might be something special about going to bed knowing that you will meet your baby bright and early the next morning. Just getting used to the idea I suppose.

For some reason writing feels completely beyond me right now, everytime I read what I wrote it barely makes sense and is all cluttered and messy so I rewrite it and its just as bad. But I really want to save all these thoughts, so here they are...